on monday we are having a party.
i don't know for sure what we are celebrating, my roommates and i, but they seem insistant that we have a party. victoria day? do they celebrate that in england too? other than being another day, i don't know what we are supposed to be celebrating. i have done all the celebrations i want to this year. i celebrated my achievements and acknowledged my failures in ways that i deemed fit. all that is left for me to do is take things one day at a time and be comfortable in knowing that i did my best when i was asked for help.
my younger brother is back drinking to the point of being drunk again. i was tempted to ask why this was, but i think we're both turning to alcohol for the same reason: squeaks. she left impressions on more life than my own, this is certain, though i never got to know her on the intimate levels he did. i wanted to, yes, and i wanted closure too, but that is another story all together.
i have pdf files of corey's blog now. they were given to me by one of his readers. i thanked the person and went on with putting the pieces back together again. it will never make sense to me. even if i live to see the end of the world, it will not make sense. why give me the greatest gifts of all and then just take them away? yes i am being selfish. i have earned that right.
josh wants to preserve squeaks' blogs. from her early days of blogger to the last few hours of her life that were updated by my brother with wordpress, something only he understands how to use, josh wants to make a pdf of her entries, with comments, and put them on her old page, then make galleries, and a self-serving link page for friends to get together and leave their links and their sites. i wish i could share his enthusiasm, but the whole thing seems like an excuse to cry some more. i have a gallery filled with photos of her on my iphoto, but i have not opened it for months. i can't. when i updated my iphone last, i refused to sync the gallery. it mostly consisted of childhood photos, of when i first met her, until the boys were born. the last photo in the gallery is of her holding lauren. she is happy in the image. that is how i like to remember her. even if the image is out of sync with the rest of the gallery. josh wants these images, as he believes that we owe it to the online communities that she was a part of. i don't owe those people jackshit and i refuse to give in to what they want. there were few people who cared about her when she was alive and able to see the love and attention she craved, so why give it to her now?
my brother wanted the burial in broken arrow. i wanted it in chicago, where her oldest daughter was buried, the nephew she loved and cared for was buried, and the pets we all tended to have a small plot. he argued that "she loved broken arrow". yes, but she loved her family more. she should be with them. the arguement ended with "just throw the bitch in a trash can and be done with it!" drunken asshole. i immedicately took him out of my contacts app. fuck that. i believe in love. i believe that if you love someone and that person dies, the love goes on. love is the only thing we have here on earth that follows us to the afterlife. love is stronger than anything else we know, and death does not stop it. i questioned why squeaks never visits me in the dreams. the children have. the boy did. my older dog did. but never squeaks. my roommate couldn't answer that, but he said that it was not because she did not love me back. he told me squeaks couldn't love me back, that she even cried often for the love that she could not give me. i thought of all the times we got together, and how could it be that she was not sending love to me? the last thing i did was send my brother a text that i hoped he got his act together, and i would still love him for the rest of my days, but he needed to remember what was important to him and not his feelings now. i have never made my feelings to squeaks a secret, but i never talked about them constantly, either. i always assumed that it was out there once, and it did not need to be repeated every day. but he is angry at me, so he takes it out on the one woman who truly loved him for some time, and the little children who ask me every day if "daddy is coming home yet". i just don't have the heart to tell them that we are miles away and waiting for him to wake up, some day.
lauren will be studying music this fall. she cannot decide between the flute, the violin or the piano. i assured her that she could study all three. be musically talented on more than one instrument, like her mother. she asked me if i had any photos of her mother playing a sax, and i didn't. i hated to tell her that i did not have any photos like that. lauren isn't sure where her mother is, or what happened to her. that poor little girl has been through so much in her short six years on this planet, it makes me wonder if she's not overwhelmed over it all. i want to preserve squeaks' online journal entries because lauren deserves to be able to read them some day.
i have, in my possession, squeaks' paper journals that she kept starting in 1992, twenty years ago, and all of the turmoil in between. she loved many people, and very few of those people deserved to be loved by her. the majority of them kicked her away, or hurt her when she got close to them, but she was not angry with them. squeaks never got angry. that was what i loved about her so. i could do anything and tell her about it, and she would not be angry. she may be sad or dissappointed, but never angry. i was always saved of anger in her prescense, and i craved that kind of attention. i got it from no one else in my life. everyone else would get angry or judge me, but never squeaks. reading her journals from back when we lived together, she was excited to think that we were going to get married, or that we were going to have children together. she said she secretly knew that she was not an ideal mother (not true!!), but if i wanted children, she would try. her goal throughout all of her journals was to make someone else happy. i think that made her happy, knowing that she was doing so much good on this earth for others. truly an angel sent from above.
maybe it's time that we become angels, and start doing some good for squeaks here on earth as well. i think i will go call mandy. after this party on monday evening, we need to get our plan into the works.
